You'll be too tired for it. They'll definitely joke about that.
You won't have time for it, they'll tell you, because your sexy den is now the baby's lair, full of nappies and weird smells and baby puke and cutesy cards that kill arousal.
It will probably feel weird. They might tell you that.
They might tell you that in sex after you've given birth the physical sensations will feel different.
That it might be sore if you've had some tearing, stitches healing.
That if you're breastfeeding, you vagina might feel dry, you may be unable to reach orgasm, or feel generally disinterested.
That your boobs may leak (very sexy). A good friend might tell you that.
That you may be interrupted by the calls of the tiny dictator, that you may be so afraid of being interrupted that you can't even get in the mood.
They may not tell you:
That you'll be so touched out by baby that you'll sleep in the hallway safe from the embraces and overtures of a loved one.
That you'll worry whether your vagina has stretched too much for your partner to enjoy it (note this most likely will not be the case)
That your love for you partner and your love for the baby will become jumbled up in a muddle of hormones, so that you cant have sex and not think about baby.
And you can't be thinking about baby while having sex. Surely?
They may not tell you that the same hormone which flows while you nurse that beautiful child is the same one that gets you in the mood when you look deep into your lovers eyes.
They might tell you
You'll have to schedule sex .
You'll need to use lubricant.
You're okay to have sex after your 6 week check up (Seriously??).
You can have sex while the baby's in the room- it's not going to damage them (but it's not sexy either).
The midwife might tell you you probably won't get pregnant if you're breastfeeding, but only if you follow the method closely.
But it's four days after labour and you probably won't get pregnant because you are never letting anything touch your vagina ever again, even if you could stay awake long enough to get in the mood.
They might not tell you:
For a long (long) time you might not be 'in the mood'.
They might not tell you:
That for a long (long) time he might not be 'in the mood'. (Babies are good birth control)
They might not tell you:
That talking about this is allowed. To each other and to others.
That you are still lovers without having sex.
That 'sex' has various forms, many of which are compatible with keeping your vagina a no-go zone for a while.
That ebbs and flows are ok, normal.
They might not tell you that someday:
You will have wild sex again. When the kids are at their grans, or watching cartoons, or at creche.
You will rediscover each other, throw off the mom and dad shackles and
rejoice in the physical delights and shivers of two people who loved enough to create life.